Monkey Business
by Divine-Fayth
Summary: Pure silliness. Becoming an Animagus seemed a lot simpler on paper... Written for the Harry-A-Thon.


"Dammit, Ron. Stop doing that!" Harry snapped. The redhead was currently hanging by one arm from the curtain rail, and now started to swing backwards and forwards.  
  
The curtain rail creaked ominously. "If you break it you'll have to buy a new one," Harry threatened. Ron grinned, and somersaulted forwards to land perfectly on all fours on the carpet. "Show off," Harry added.  
  
The doorbell rang. Feeling incredibly relieved, Harry went to get it, while Ron started to climb on the sofa.  
  
"Hermione!" Harry said, pulling the door open. "Thank god you're here, I don't have a clue what to do with him."  
  
"What to do with who?" she said, stepping inside and using a quick Drying Spell on her coat. "I only just got your message, and it sounded really cryptic. What on earth is going on?"  
  
Harry swallowed nervously. "Well, you know me and Ron were talking about becoming Animagi a few months ago? We, er, kind of started without telling you..."  
  
"You did what?" Hermione said, staring at him with disbelief. "You're trying to become an Animagus without any help? Just you and Ron? Harry, do you have any idea how dangerous that is? Honestly, I remember what you two were like at Transfiguration- you should have at least asked me! What if one of you got stuck?"  
  
There was a loud crash from the other room, followed by a rather dazed sounding 'ook'. Harry didn't dare to look at Hermione.  
  
"That's kind of the problem," he said slowly.  
  
Hermione took a deep breath. Harry chanced a look at her, and noticed that she seemed to be going a rather strange shade of purple.  
  
"Look, why don't you come and see for yourself," he said hastily. "If you change Ron back, you can shout at us both at once later. Save time."  
  
He led the way into the living room of the flat, where Ron was now sat on the floor, picking lazily at his red hair.  
  
"Hi, Ron," he said. "Hermione's here."  
  
Ron bared his teeth at them, then started trying to pull bits out of the carpet.  
  
"He's a monkey," Hermione said distantly.  
  
"An orang-utan, actually," said Harry, gratefully for the chance to correct Hermione for once. "But we already knew that, Hermione. The trouble is how to stop him being a monkey."  
  
"His hair looks almost exactly the same colour. Quite fascinating, really. I wonder if-"  
  
"Hermione!" Harry snapped. "You're not meant to start studying him, you're meant to help him."  
  
Hermione gave him a dirty look. "I don't see how you can criticise my methods," she said stiffly, "when it was you who got him into this mess." She rolled up her sleeves, and knelt down on the carpet. "Ron," she said to the orang-utan, "I'm going to have to try some spells on you okay? So you just sit still for now, and-"  
  
She frowned. Ron had turned away and started trying to eat the table leg. "Harry, what on earth is he doing?"  
  
Harry shrugged. "Being an orang-utan, I suppose."  
  
"Well, he shouldn't be! Animagi are meant to retain their minds when they transform. You must have really messed it up, to do this to him..."  
  
"He was fine at first. This morning he was just acting like Ron, but Ron in a monkey body. But then he started to get worse, and now he's just-"  
  
"This morning?" Hermione interrupted. She had gone pale. "Harry, how long has he been stuck as a monkey?"  
  
"Orang-utan," Harry reminded her helpfully.  
  
"Harry!"  
  
"Since about ten o clock. So... six hours. Why? Is that bad?"  
  
Hermione seemed to be muttering something. It took Harry a while to realise that she was counting, very slowly, to ten.  
  
"You," she said eventually, "are a complete and total idiot. You don't have a clue what's going on, do you? Did you do any research into problems with the Animagi transformation?" Harry started to reply, but she went continued, "New Animagi have to be very, very careful about how long they spend as an animal at first. If they stay that way for too long, before they get used to it, they start to think more and more like the animal. If it goes on for long enough they forget that they were ever human, and then they're stuck like that. Permanently."  
  
"Ron could be stuck like this?" asked Harry. "Bloody hell."  
  
"I think 'bloody hell' about covers it, yes," Hermione said solemnly. "You wanker," she added. "Why didn't you call me sooner?"  
  
"I thought he was only mucking about! It was only when he didn't change back that I started to get worried."  
  
"I hope you realise now why this sort of thing is illegal," she snapped. "Honestly, it would probably serve you right if you were stuck with a monkey for a boyfriend."  
  
"Orang-utan."  
  
"Whatever!"  
  
"Well, can you help him or not?" Harry asked desperately.  
  
Hermione pulled out her wand, and pointed it at Ron. "Finite Incantatem!"  
  
Ron gave her a rather puzzled look, and started sniffing at the wand.  
  
"Well, I didn't think that would work," she admitted. "It's not exactly a spell he's under, after all- but maybe if I tried it using his wand? No, that's silly. Maybe..." She stopped, and rubbed at her temples. "Harry, do you have any books about Animagi around here?"  
  
"Of course we have. How did you think we got this far?"  
  
"Don't ask me," she snapped. "You probably got a list off the Internet for all the sense you have. How To Turn Your Friend Into An Orang-utan."  
  
"We have several books, actually. We just didn't read them all yet."  
  
"Well, if you go and get them, maybe we can find an answer in there."  
  
Ron, who had been sniffing at Hermione's wand for the last minute, suddenly grabbed at it and pulled it out of her hand.  
  
"Hey! That's mine!" She made a dive for it, but Ron held it out of her reach. He bared his teeth again, and made a strange snarling noise. Hermione stopped, looking worried.  
  
"How strong are orang-utans?" Harry asked slowly.  
  
"Quite strong, why?"  
  
"It's just that maybe you'd better not get him angry."  
  
"Oh, don't be ridiculous. I'm sure he won't do anything like... that..." Hermione stopped. Ron was now trying to bite one end of the wand. "Harry, he's eating my wand. He's eating my wand."  
  
"Well, do you want to try and take it off him?"  
  
"I'm sure orang-utans are herbivores, so you can stop looking at his teeth like that."  
  
Ron had apparently decided that the wand wasn't edible, because he stopped trying to chew it and was now pointing it straight at Hermione instead.  
  
"Hermione? Can he do still do spells?" Harry asked, suddenly feeling very worried. Ron was dangerous enough with a wand even when he was human.  
  
"Don't be silly, Harry, he can't talk! How could he possibly-"  
  
"Ooook!"  
  
There was a loud pop. Where Hermione had been sat there was now a very angry looking kitten.  
  
"Meow," it said bitterly. Harry tried very hard not to laugh.  
  
He stared at them both, wondering what to do now. Then he walked over to the phone, and dialled a number.  
  
"Hello, Remus?" he asked, when the answer machine message had finished. "I'm sorry to bother you, but we've got a bit of an emergency here, so I was hoping maybe you could- No! Ron, put Hermione down!" Harry dived for them, leaving the phone hanging off the hook.  
  
"Ooook!"  
  
"Meowww!"  
  
Harry sighed. He could tell it was going to be one of those days. 


End file.
